Me Andonlyme

So, after a week of being laid off yet again I was stricken today. By what you might say; loneliness. It was like a sledgehammer to the chest. Though I think I figured it out. I have spent the last day and a half visiting with my brother. That has kept me distracted from the fact that I am no longer around my friends every day. About ten minutes after I dropped my brother off at his place it hit me in what I imagine in my head as a booming, commanding voice that said, "YOU ARE LONELY!" I suppose that just reinforces the old saying you don't know what you have until it is gone.

As of yesterday night I am officially grandfather-less. My dad's dad passed away. I am sad to be sure, but I am more angry with myself. I don't have a very close relationship with my dad's family. It has been several years since I last saw him and even longer since I visited my grandparents. My grandfather was a pretty damn cool man and I am less of a person for not knowing him better. I hate myself a little because the first time in a long time that I am going back to the place I was born is for my grandpa's funeral.

Another year under by belt. It is still hard to believe that I have crested thirty! It is almost surreal. I don't feel like much time has passed since I moved out of my parents place. My last sister is off to college in a few days. My brother is seriously contemplating getting married. The oldest of my sisters is getting married in about a year. Time really has a way of getting away from you.

I thought I might post some videos of Kuk Sool Won so those who don't know can get an idea of what it is about. These three are of my schools owner, chief instructor Byung In Lee. Master Lee's title is Chong Kwan Jang Nim, which translates into Chief Master A.K.A. 9th degree. He is one of the highest ranked masters in the art. Currently I believe there are only two people that outrank him. The first two videos were taken at my school's fifteen year anniversary celebration. The first is a breaking demo. Master Lee was a Kuk Sool breaking champion in the seventies and is known for his jumping, spinning, back side kick which is the kick he performs second. Also, those are double stacked boards. The second is a master level form (we call them hyung). The most amazing thing about Master Lee's performance is that just last year he underwent major hip surgery! The final video is a demo when he was promoted to 9th degree at the world tournament in Korea. This is the demo that Master Lee likes to preform whenever he can. The double sword (ssang jang gum) form is also something he is known around the martial arts world for. One of the other things I find impressive about his double sword demo is that he always uses live steel. Which means his blades are always sharp. He likes to shave boards just before the demo to prove it.

So, I have successfully tested for my last color belt. I have realized of late this is one of the first things I have committed to for an extended period of time. I am glad it is this too. I think it is helping me not only keep in shape, but be a better person. I still have quite a lot I need to work on in making myself better, but I am getting there. By hook or by crook. It helps that I have a friend along that provides me with motivation as well as an excellent template of what to aspire to.

So, I saw 300 and it was incredible. You should see it right now. That is all, carry on.

When the FUCK did my baby sisters grow up and why did I not see it coming? You know, I have come to grips with this whole aging buisness. I accept it and am even cool with it. They have become adults under my nose. Life can be ultra surreal sometimes dontcha know.

So, I am back on AIM, himthatisme, add me if you use it. Talk with me if we are on at the same time. That is all.

So, I find myself feeling down lately. Blue if you will. I think this whole asexual thing I have been doing is wearing thin. I have always been of the opinion that I could choose when and where I would decide I needed woman in my life. I thought, I have the mental fortitude to wait until I come across a woman that I cannot be without. Then and only then will I stick my neck out again. That excuse has carried me a long way. But, I think that bus is reaching the end of the line. The only problem I have now is that I have been sheltering myself, convincing myself of things, and generally withdrawing from that aspect of my social life so long I am now terrified at the prospect of playing the field again. I am beginning to feel like a rat slowly being trapped in a corner. I worry I will jump at the first opportunity to escape the stress of the situation. That usually mean finding someone so bad for me there is no hope of any connection on any level, pursuing her until it hurts, and then giving myself the old "I told you so" routine and building back the wall double thick. I am really fond of self destructive relationships apparently. I just don't know how to handle this at all.

WOW, I love Frank Miller.

Well, I broke not only a board but damn near a finger with the same kick today. The board was cool, the finger not so much.

*edit* The finger in question was not, in fact, my own. It belongs to the unfortunate black belt that was holding my board. I apologized profusely if you must know. I was also forgiven. I still feel bad about the whole thing. Also, it was the same type of kick preforming the two separate above actions. Not the very same kick, as alluded to above. That is all.

Sooooo.....it's been awhile hasn't it then. Well, I recently got involved in Kuk Sool Won (the Korean national martial art). I have been having a whole lot of fun with it. However, today cinched my long term involvment. We had the summer seminar. I got to meet the Grandmaster and founder. Most importantly, we got weapons training on weapons you don't normally see until brown belt at the earliest (brown is the belt just before black for those of you who were wondering). Today we traind for an hour with nunchucks and an hour with SWORDS!!!!! I could have done the sword kata we learned today until I collapsed. SOOOOOOOOO much fun and SOOOOOOOO damn cool. Black belt cannot come soon enough.

What is it about spending a bunch of money, even when you have planned to do so for quite some time, that gives you a serious case of the sour stomach.

You scored as Serenity (Firefly). You like to live your own way and donâ??t enjoy when anyone but a friend tries to tell you should do different. Now if only the Reavers would quit trying to skin you. </td> Serenity (Firefly) 75% Babylon 5 (Babylon 5) 75% Deep Space Nine (Star Trek) 69% Enterprise D (Star Trek) 69% Millennium Falcon (Star Wars) 69% Moya (Farscape) 69% SG-1 (Stargate) 63% FBI's X-Files Division (The X-Files) 56% Nebuchadnezzar (The Matrix) 56% Galactica (Battlestar: Galactica) 56% Andromeda Ascendant (Andromeda) 50% Bebop (Cowboy Bebop) 50% Your Ultimate Sci-Fi Profile II: which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? (pics) created with QuizFarm.com

You know, I have this serious instant gratification problem that crops up at certain times. For the most part I am a patient man. It is just sometimes and with some things it is all about the NOW! Come to think of it, that has got me in more trouble than I care to think about. Perhaps something to work on in this new year.

I found this quite funny whilst doing some random surfing of the wondernet.

Interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum europe vincendarum

1. In an industry driven by ubiquitous and unjustifiable hype, Jeremiah needs none.

2. Jeremiah is set in a dark and gritty version of our own near-future...

3. Jeremiah needs an adoptive family who can understand his special needs and set firm, consistent limits.

4. Jeremiah needs a shirt, I need some stockings.

5. Victor Sweet, who becomes intent on handling the brothers, especially when it concerns an insurance policy that Jeremiah needs to cash in.

6. The lad is given an artificial heart in case Jeremiah needs future organs.

7. Jeremiah is especially strong-willed, and needs an extreme amount of discipline.

8. Jeremiah still needs a wheelchair some of the time, but he is doing very well.

9. jeremiah needs excuses to brag about his mercedes

10. Jeremiah needs music to get going.

So, day two after my knee surgery and I am in good sorts all things considered. There is pain, but the codine helps with that. I have to be on crutchs till Sunday, but I will be walking after that. I set up my physical therapy next Friday.

So, I got the results of my MRI today. A complete tear of my ACL along with a microfracture of my tibia. The microfracture is not a problem. The ACL will require surgery and two months of rehab. Needless to say, I am not excited about this. An example of how I feel about it could be sumed up by the fact that I was terrified just taking the MRI, something that you can almost sleep through. Scared dosen't begin to cover it. That being said, I hope I can have the surgery as soon as possible and get this rehab buisness over with. I think that I will have the fear worked down to nerves though. I just have to approach this whole buisness with cold logic and damn what the crazy spot in my mind says.

So...yeah...it's been awhile. Guess I don't really get around to this thing much anymore. Well, I have a venting to take care of and thought this might be the place to ease my mind a bit. Well, at least finish doing so. Talking about it helps me, even when I am not really talking to anyone. I had a bit of an accident on Saturday. I was out at my aunt and uncle's place in the boonies to see my new cousins' baptism ceremony. Things were going great. Had a good time visiting with everyone. Hung out with my brother and cousin. Played with the baby. Shot a .357 and a 10 gauge shotgun. Good times. I even hopped about on the trampoline. That is, until I landed with my left knee locked. With nowhere to go, it decided to go sideways. Needless to say, that wasn't a pleasant experience for me in general or my knee. Anyway, I went to the doctor today only to find out he is pretty sure I have torn either my ACL or another ligament near it who's name escapes me. I am off to get an MRI tomorrow and I will see a specialist on Friday. It is at this consultation where I will find out I am going to need surgery, my doctor was pretty sure on this point too. Herein lies the problem. I have a pretty hefty phobia of hospitals. I have seen two men in my family that I cared a great deal about dying in hospital beds. I have seen my mother after having surgery to remove a cancerous thyroid gland lying in a hospital bed. I have seen my father after having his knee rebuilt lying in a hospital bed, and now I go off to one. I understand that arthroscopic surgery is an in-and-out affair, but I am still quite terrified. I have had a small amount of success talking to myself about it and reassuring myself that it is going to be OK, but I sense some sleepless nights ahead, especially if I have a large amount of time before the surgery can be preformed. I really feel silly about this whole affair, but that is kind of how phobias are. You know, irrational and such.

Go and see Batman Returns as soon as you can. That is all.

For those of you who have put off seeing Ong-Bak, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR!!!! This movie will change your perspective on martial arts films forever. It is brutal beyond description. I never thought Muay Thai could be so damn fast! The movie is so good and you will leave the theater with simpathy pains for all the thugs.

http://www.rollingstone.com/news/story/_/id/6660116/damageplan?pageid=rs.NewsArchive&pageregion=mainRegion&rnd=1102610993404&has-player=false


What the fuck!

Arg! Cruel fate, the WoW servers have gone down to implement a patch. Actually they have been down for a bit. How the hell am I supposed to geek out all day with these kind of constraints!

So, it's a pretty damn important day. I would venture to say one of the most important days in recent history. I only hope that the right decision is made. Scary times indeed.

So, I have neglicted this place...yes. Eh, so it goes sometimes. Things haven't really changed too much. Well, outside of having my apartment back to myself. Hopefully will be making it to Ren Faire this year. Not sure when though. Other than that, my sister was almost homecoming queen. Boy, that is a really odd feeling. She will be graduating high school this year, and the other one is not that far behind. Such is life though. Sure is strange getting older.

Well, it appears that I will have a temporary roomate. It is just for a month as a favor for someone who did me a nigh unrepayable favor(one of a several of my friends who have done that of late) So he moves in tomorrow, putting my solitude on hold for a little.

So, I suppose it is once again time for reflection. Time to reach into my head and see what is going on in there. Let's see, prosperity...check, sanity...check, individuality...check, happiness........check I guess(at least as much so as I can get) You know, I've aged another year this month and have done a bit more growing up in the process. I think I have learned more about letting go of things that are out of my control. But, I think that I have failed once again to figure out what it is that I want exactly and how to go about getting it. I think it is one of my major personality flaws. I think I know fundamentaly what it is, just dosn't translate into real world concepts. Guess I need a little bit more introspection to help out with that. Then again, does anyone really figure that little bit out? Not sure you know. I will say that some folks appear to have it a bit more figured out than others. I just need to work on my transfer from the latter lot to the former. Well, I think that is just about enough thinking for me for right now, thank you very much. I'll try and let you know when I come close to figuring that what I want thing.

Well I sit here at almost ten o'clock in the evening waiting for my aunt to show up so I can go out to my parents place. It is the grand/uber birthday party. My mom and uncle have turned fifty and a good friend of the family turns 60. Ahhh, of course as soon as I sit down to do something they show up. Later then.

Made it to Oregon OK and am enjoying the hell out of my time off so far. Just so you know.

WOOOHOOOO!!!!! The first post from my new apartment. The cable guys just finished installing my internet and cable. I am almost completely set up. The only thing left to install is the phone tomorrow and I will be set. It is good to be back in my own space again. Nothing against all of the friends and family that have helped me out in the last few years. Damn it is good to have my own place again, I missed it more than I thought.

Well, got the last of the services for my apartment ordered. Almost done with all the hoopla that comes with moving into a new place. Just have a (relatively) few things left to purchase. The last major headache is waititng around for all the service people to come around and turn everything on and whatnot. If all goes as planned, a week from tomorrow I will be completely moved in and hopefully settled.

I adopted a cute lil' death fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!

Well, that was an interesting dinner to say the least. Went out for mexican food, thought it would be a normal night out with Mikey and Crystal. How wrong I was. We ran into an old friend at restaurant. He was actually one of my teachers in high school and quite possibly one of the coolest people I know. Hadn't seen him in a few years (even longer for Mikey). Just sat around talking for two hours. I think they were getting upset with us at the restaurant. Just a great time, something I needed without knowing that I needed it.

This is the street in Michigan that we lived on from the time I was like four till about seven or eight.


http://terraserver.homeadvisor.msn.com/addressimage.aspx?t=1&s=10&Lon=-84.52981328&Lat=42.71968796&Alon=-84.52981328&Alat=42.71968796&w=1&opt=0&ref=A|McCullough%20St,%20Lansing,%20MI%2048912

Ok, I am totally transfixed by the Oh Brother, Where Art Thou soundtrack. Damn, this is some really good music. To think, there are people out there with this kind of soul. Amazing.

Found a link for this b-side. Check it out, I dig it I tell you.

http://www.slipknot1.com/movs/audio/scream.mp3

The Kraken Horde and You by chipsaven
Name
Drink of Choice	Something Sly Made
Weapon of Choice	Tipped Sword
Position	Squid
Duties	Stealing other peoples Alcohol
Special Powers	Turning water into Liquor
Jersey Number	22
Can you release the river?	Hells YEAH!! Who Wants some RIVER!!!
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

http://www.imagedump.com/index.cgi?pick=get&tp=71594&poll_id=0&warned=y

You ever get the feeling that you have everything and nothing at the same time? Equally blessed and damned, a little bit of this a little bit of that. Almost like someone is toying with you, seeing what you will do next. Kinda keeping score, like your life is a horse race played out in heats. Except, no one told you if they thought you would win or loose, they just say "keep up the good work". Perhaps I think about trivial things too much. Perhaps I just think too much in general.

say hello to The Wageslaves!

http://www.imagedump.com/index.cgi?pick=get&tp=64327&poll_id=0&warned=y

Taking inventory with Cardax

http://www.imagedump.com/index.cgi?pick=get&tp=64328&poll_id=0&warned=y

More to come later....

. Tired of being underappreciated and manipulated by powerful "others," you fight back. Though possesssing a cold, violent outside, you have a soft, scentimental inside. You love your partner, you cherish family heirlooms, and you want nothing more than to be geniunely happy -- but you don't mind having to kill a couple of nimrods who happen to clutter your path. Take the What Pulp Fiction Character Are You? quiz.

Prepare to meet...........THE COWAN(please forgive the giant DEMO across the screen, all I could find was a demo file converter for tga files)

http://www.imagedump.com/index.cgi?pick=get&tp=60900&poll_id=0&warned=y


The Cowan showing his air superiority(not a very good pic though)

http://www.imagedump.com/index.cgi?pick=get&tp=60901&poll_id=0&warned=y

The Cowan providing water to some evil doers

http://www.imagedump.com/index.cgi?pick=get&tp=60902&poll_id=0&warned=y

The result of said water providing

http://www.imagedump.com/index.cgi?pick=get&tp=60903&poll_id=0&warned=y

The Cowan surveying the city he protects

http://www.imagedump.com/index.cgi?pick=get&tp=60904&poll_id=0&warned=y

I tried to get a shot of his ID card but the game won't let you take screenies of that. His bio is "After suffering a severe respitory failure, this once somewhat mild mannered citizen's muntant powers manifested. He now has Kraken like control over water and mastery over the air that once tried to master him."

Also his battle cry is, of course "Who wants WATER!"

http://www.subservientchicken.com/

What Will Be Your Overly Melodramatic Death? by Celaeno
Name:
Gender:
Are you beautiful?
Your death:	In a circle of candles, after a fiery and passionate session with your demon lover. Woo!
Your parting words:	"I... never wanted another..."
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

Well, starting to feel a bit better. Still a little down, but nothing in comparison to others. We had a nice send off for Amos here at work. Played him amazing grace on a bagpipes CD and had a moment of silence. Rest in peace Amos buddy, rest in peace.

To comment further.....you ever tend to notice the times you missed when they are no longer available to you. Never mind any and/or all of the good times, you always tend to dwell on the ones you missed. It's almost as if the good ones are outweighed by the ones that slipped away. Perhaps I am being morbid, but these are morbid times I'm afraid. It is just hard when you know that another piece of your heart will be missing within a time frame that you can witness. Death....death is this great mystery and yet it is so simple in nature if not practice. I guess I am just another keyboard philosopher, just trying to make sense of it all. Maybe I just needed to get some things off my chest....maybe I'm just free form thinking in an effort to cope. This has turned into just a great big mind doodle. I guess I will end it with a prayer:

God, I have asked for a great many things in my life. Many of them were for my own benefit, selfish by nature. But I ask this of you with all my heart, please let Amos' passing be mercifully quick. Help him to, at least as much as possible, deal with his pain in his remaining hours. But this above all else, let him pass from this world with the knowledge that he was loved by a great many people and that he will be remembered with only the fondest memories. That his spirit will live on in many hearts, and that the only regrets those who knew him will have is that they did not have more time to know him.

Sappy, perhaps. But it is the best way that I can think to illustrate my feelings and thus cope with them. Bear with me folks.

You know, death has this uncanny way of surprising the shit out of you. Even when you are expecting it. Also has this funny way of making you realize what kind of person you are. Just kinda thinking out loud I guess.

Whats does your personality rate from 1-10? by morning_prayer
Your first full name
Your personality rates a	ten!
your best quality is	ew, nothing!
your worst quality is	youre loved and dont know it
this is because	you are who you are
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

http://stopfcc.com/


Sign it if you have'nt and pass the link around.